The Diary of a Nobody Page 2

  CHAPTER II

  Tradesmen and the scraper still troublesome. Gowing rather tiresome withhis complaints of the paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life.Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings, and I have alittle misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look a fool before Cummings.

  APRIL 9.—Commenced the morning badly. The butcher, whom we decided _not_to arrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-formanner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not want my custom. Isimply said: “Then what are you making all this fuss about it for?” Andhe shouted out at the top of his voice, so that all the neighbours couldhear: “Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up ‘things’ like you by thedozen!”

  I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that thisdisgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was a violentkicking at the door, enough to break the panels. It was the blackguardbutcher again, who said he had cut his foot over the scraper, and wouldimmediately bring an action against me. Called at Farmerson’s, theironmonger, on my way to town, and gave him the job of moving the scraperand repairing the bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble thelandlord with such a trifling matter.

  Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painter and decorator, whohad sent in a card, said he could not match the colour on the stairs, asit contained Indian carmine. He said he spent half-a-day calling atwarehouses to see if he could get it. He suggested he should entirelyrepaint the stairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried to matchit, he could only make a bad job of it. It would be more satisfactory tohim and to us to have the work done properly. I consented, but felt Ihad been talked over. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, andwent to bed at nine.

  APRIL 10.—Farmerson came round to attend to the scraper himself. Heseems a very civil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct suchsmall jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thanked him, andwent to town. It is disgraceful how late some of the young clerks are atarriving. I told three of them that if Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heardof it, they might be discharged.

  Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us six weeks, told me“to keep my hair on!” I informed him I had had the honour of being inthe firm twenty years, to which he insolently replied that I “looked it.”I gave him an indignant look, and said: “I demand from you some respect,sir.” He replied: “All right, go on demanding.” I would not argue withhim any further. You cannot argue with people like that. In the eveningGowing called, and repeated his complaint about the smell of paint.Gowing is sometimes very tedious with his remarks, and not alwayscautious; and Carrie once very properly reminded him that she waspresent.

  APRIL 11.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. To-day was aday of annoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus to the City,through having words with the grocer’s boy, who for the second time hadthe impertinence to bring his basket to the hall-door, and had left themarks of his dirty boots on the fresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he hadknocked at the side door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. Iknew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairs doingthe bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring the bell? He repliedthat he did pull the bell, but the handle came off in his hand.

  I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has never happened tome before. There has recently been much irregularity in the attendanceof the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp, our principal, unfortunately choose thisvery morning to pounce down upon us early. Someone had given the tip tothe others. The result was that I was the only one late of the lot.Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and I was saved by hisintervention. As I passed by Pitt’s desk, I heard him remark to hisneighbour: “How disgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!” Thiswas, of course, meant for me. I treated the observation with silence,simply giving him a look, which unfortunately had the effect of makingboth of the clerks laugh. Thought afterwards it would have been moredignified if I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummingscalled in the evening, and we played dominoes.

  APRIL 12.—Mustard-and-cress and radishes not come up yet. Left Farmersonrepairing the scraper, but when I came home found three men working. Iasked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making a fresh holehe had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was a most ridiculous placeto put the gas-pipe, and the man who did it evidently knew nothing abouthis business. I felt his excuse was no consolation for the expense Ishall be put to.

  In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had a smoke togetherin the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined us later, but did not stay long,saying the smoke was too much for her. It was also rather too much forme, for Gowing had given me what he called a green cigar, one that hisfriend Shoemach had just brought over from America. The cigar didn’tlook green, but I fancy I must have done so; for when I had smoked alittle more than half I was obliged to retire on the pretext of tellingSarah to bring in the glasses.

  I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feeling the need offresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I was not smoking: offered meanother cigar, which I politely declined. Gowing began his usualsniffing, so, anticipating him, I said: “You’re not going to complain ofthe smell of paint again?” He said: “No, not this time; but I’ll tellyou what, I distinctly smell dry rot.” I don’t often make jokes, but Ireplied: “You’re talking a lot of _dry rot_ yourself.” I could not helproaring at this, and Carrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. Inever was so immensely tickled by anything I have ever said before. Iactually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

  APRIL 13.—An extraordinary coincidence: Carrie had called in a woman tomake some chintz covers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to preventthe sun fading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, andrecognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my old aunt atClapham. It only shows how small the world is.

  APRIL 14.—Spent the whole of the afternoon in the garden, having thismorning picked up at a bookstall for fivepence a capital little book, ingood condition, on _Gardening_. I procured and sowed some half-hardyannuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. I thought of ajoke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came out rather testy, I thought. Isaid: “I have just discovered we have got a lodging-house.” She replied:“How do you mean?” I said: “Look at the _boarders_.” Carrie said: “Isthat all you wanted me for?” I said: “Any other time you would havelaughed at my little pleasantry.” Carrie said: “Certainly—_at any othertime_, but not when I am busy in the house.” The stairs looked verynice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked _all right_, but it madethe banisters look _all wrong_, and suggested a coat of paint on themalso, which Carrie quite agreed with. I walked round to Putley, andfortunately he was out, so I had a good excuse to let the banistersslide. By-the-by, that is rather funny.

  APRIL 15, Sunday.—At three o’clock Cummings and Gowing called for a goodlong walk over Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friendnamed Stillbrook. We walked and chatted together, except Stillbrook, whowas always a few yards behind us staring at the ground and cutting at thegrass with his stick.

  As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation, and Gowingsuggested that we should make for “The Cow and Hedge” and get some tea.Stillbrook said: “A brandy-and-soda was good enough for him.” I remindedthem that all public-houses were closed till six o’clock. Stillbrooksaid, “That’s all right—_bona-fide_ travellers.”

  We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge of the gatesaid: “Where from?” I replied: “Holloway.” He immediately put up hisarm, and declined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when I sawStillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make for theentrance. I watched them, and thought I would have a good laugh at theirexpense, I heard the porter say: “Where from?” When, to my surprise, infact disgust, Stillbrook replied: “Blackheath,” and the three we
reimmediately admitted.

  Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: “We shan’t be a minute.”I waited for them the best part of an hour. When they appeared they wereall in most excellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort toapologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: “It was very rough on youto be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S. and B.’s.” I walkedhome in silence; I couldn’t speak to them. I felt very dull all theevening, but deemed it advisable _not_ to say anything to Carrie aboutthe matter.

  APRIL 16.—After business, set to work in the garden. When it got dark Iwrote to Cummings and Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhapsthey were ashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s adventure at “The Cowand Hedge.” Afterwards made up my mind not to write _yet_.

  APRIL 17.—Thought I would write a kind little note to Gowing and Cummingsabout last Sunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook. Afterwards,thinking the matter over, tore up the letters and determined not to_write_ at all, but to _speak_ quietly to them. Dumfounded at receivinga sharp letter from Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had beenwaiting for an explanation of _my_ (mind you, MY) extraordinary conductcoming home on Sunday. At last I wrote: “I thought I was the aggrievedparty; but as I freely forgive you, you—feeling yourself aggrieved—shouldbestow forgiveness on me.” I have copied this _verbatim_ in the diary,because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtful sentences Ihave ever written. I posted the letter, but in my own heart I felt I wasactually apologising for having been insulted.

  APRIL 18.—Am in for a cold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing.In the evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for a bottleof Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and woke with the shivers.Was startled by a loud knock at the front door. Carrie awfully flurried.Sarah still out, so went up, opened the door, and found it was onlyCummings. Remembered the grocer’s boy had again broken the side-bell.Cummings squeezed my hand, and said: “I’ve just seen Gowing. All right.Say no more about it.” There is no doubt they are both under theimpression I have apologised.

  While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said: “By-the-by,do you want any wine or spirits? My cousin Merton has just set up in thetrade, and has a splendid whisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eightshillings. It is worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.” Itold him my cellars, which were very small, were full up. To my horror,at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, and putting a bottle ofwhisky, wrapped in a dirty piece of newspaper, on the table in front ofus, said: “Please, sir, the grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, butyou’ll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopence returned on thebottle; and, please, did you want any more sherry? as he has some atone-and-three, as dry as a nut!”