The Diary of a Nobody Read online

  CHAPTER VI

  The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, Willie Lupin Pooter.

  AUGUST 4.—The first post brought a nice letter from our dear son Willie,acknowledging a trifling present which Carrie sent him, the day beforeyesterday being his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement he turnedup himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the way from Oldham.He said he had got leave from the bank, and as Monday was a holiday hethought he would give us a little surprise.

  AUGUST 5, Sunday.—We have not seen Willie since last Christmas, and arepleased to notice what a fine young man he has grown. One would scarcelybelieve he was Carrie’s son. He looks more like a younger brother. Irather disapprove of his wearing a check suit on a Sunday, and I think heought to have gone to church this morning; but he said he was tired afteryesterday’s journey, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. Wehad a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie’s health.

  He said: “Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cut my first name,‘William,’ and taken the second name ‘Lupin’? In fact, I’m only known atOldham as ‘Lupin Pooter.’ If you were to ‘Willie’ me there, theywouldn’t know what you meant.”

  Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie was delighted, andbegan by giving a long history of the Lupins. I ventured to say that Ithought William a nice simple name, and reminded him he was christenedafter his Uncle William, who was much respected in the City. Willie, ina manner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: “Oh, I know allabout that—Good old Bill!” and helped himself to a third glass of port.

  Carrie objected strongly to my saying “Good old,” but she made no remarkwhen Willie used the double adjective. I said nothing, but looked ather, which meant more. I said: “My dear Willie, I hope you are happywith your colleagues at the Bank.” He replied: “Lupin, if you please;and with respect to the Bank, there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, andthe ‘boss’ is a cad.” I felt so shocked, I could say nothing, and myinstinct told me there was something wrong.

  AUGUST 6, Bank Holiday.—As there was no sign of Lupin moving at nineo’clock, I knocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted athalf-past eight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied that hehad had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking the house allnight, and then with the sun streaming in through the window in his eyes,and giving him a cracking headache. Carrie came up and asked if he wouldlike some breakfast sent up, and he said he could do with a cup of tea,and didn’t want anything to eat.

  Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one, and said wedined at two; he said he “would be there.” He never came down till aquarter to three. I said: “We have not seen much of you, and you willhave to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have to leave in anhour, unless you go by the midnight mail.” He said: “Look here, Guv’nor,it’s no use beating about the bush. I’ve tendered my resignation at theBank.”

  For a moment I could not speak. When my speech came again, I said: “Howdare you, sir? How dare you take such a serious step without consultingme? Don’t answer me, sir!—you will sit down immediately, and write anote at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amply apologisingfor your thoughtlessness.”

  Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw: “It’s no use. Ifyou want the good old truth, I’ve got the chuck!”

  AUGUST 7.—Mr. Perkupp has given me leave to postpone my holiday a week,as we could not get the room. This will give us an opportunity of tryingto find an appointment for Willie before we go. The ambition of my lifewould be to get him into Mr. Perkupp’s firm.

  AUGUST 11.—Although it is a serious matter having our boy Lupin on ourhands, still it is satisfactory to know he was asked to resign from theBank simply because “he took no interest in his work, and always arrivedan hour (sometimes two hours) late.” We can all start off on Monday toBroadstairs with a light heart. This will take my mind off the worry ofthe last few days, which have been wasted over a useless correspondencewith the manager of the Bank at Oldham.

  AUGUST 13.—Hurrah! at Broadstairs. Very nice apartments near thestation. On the cliffs they would have been double the price. Thelandlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea ready, which we allenjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious because there happened to be afly in the butter. It was very wet in the evening, for which I wasthankful, as it was a good excuse for going to bed early. Lupin said hewould sit up and read a bit.

  AUGUST 14.—I was a little annoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading lastnight, had gone to a common sort of entertainment, given at the AssemblyRooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances were unworthy ofrespectable patronage; but he replied: “Oh, it was only ‘for one nightonly.’ I had a fit of the blues come on, and thought I would go to seePolly Presswell, England’s Particular Spark.” I told him I was proud tosay I had never heard of her. Carrie said: “Do let the boy alone. He’squite old enough to take care of himself, and won’t forget he’s agentleman. Remember, you were young once yourself.” Rained all dayhard, but Lupin would go out.

  AUGUST 15.—Cleared up a bit, so we all took the train to Margate, and thefirst person we met on the jetty was Gowing. I said: “Hulloh! I thoughtyou had gone to Barmouth with your Birmingham friends?” He said: “Yes,but young Peter Lawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so Icame down here. You know the Cummings’ are here too?” Carrie said: “Oh,that will be delightful! We must have some evenings together and havegames.”

  I introduced Lupin, saying: “You will be pleased to find we have our dearboy at home!” Gowing said: “How’s that? You don’t mean to say he’s leftthe Bank?”

  I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any of those awkwardquestions which Gowing always has a knack of asking.

  AUGUST 16.—Lupin positively refused to walk down the Parade with mebecause I was wearing my new straw helmet with my frock-coat. I don’tknow what the boy is coming to.

  AUGUST 17.—Lupin not falling in with our views, Carrie and I went for asail. It was a relief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me,she always sides with him. On our return, he said: “Oh, you’ve been onthe ‘Shilling Emetic,’ have you? You’ll come to six-pennorth on the‘Liver Jerker’ next.” I presume he meant a tricycle, but I affected notto understand him.

  AUGUST 18.—Gowing and Cummings walked over to arrange an evening atMargate. It being wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to thehotel and have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in factdisapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten back to Margate;whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said: “I’ll give you a game, Gowing—ahundred up. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite for dinner.”I said: “Perhaps Mister Gowing does not care to play with boys.” Gowingsurprised me by saying: “Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and theywalked off together.

  AUGUST 19, Sunday.—I was about to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (whichhe indulges in violently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walkedout. Carrie then read _me_ a long sermon on the palpable inadvisabilityof treating Lupin as if he were a mere child. I felt she was somewhatright, so in the evening I offered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but,after a few whiffs, said: “This is a good old tup’ny—try one of mine,”and he handed me a cigar as long as it was strong, which is saying a gooddeal.

  AUGUST 20.—I am glad our last day at the seaside was fine, though cloudedoverhead. We went over to Cummings’ (at Margate) in the evening, and asit was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual,overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play “Cutlets,” a game wenever heard of. He sat on a chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap,an invitation which dear Carrie rightly declined.

  After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing’s knees and Carrie saton the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edge of Carrie’s lap, thenCummings on Lupin’s, and Mrs. Cummings on her husband’s. We looked veryridiculous, and laughed a good deal.

/>   Gowing then said: “Are you a believer in the Great Mogul?” We had toanswer all together: “Yes—oh, yes!” (three times). Gowing said: “So amI,” and suddenly got up. The result of this stupid joke was that we allfell on the ground, and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner ofthe fender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through this wemissed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs, which costme seven-and-sixpence.