The Diary of a Nobody Page 4

  CHAPTER IV

  The ball at the Mansion House.

  APRIL 30.—Perfectly astounded at receiving an invitation for Carrie andmyself from the Lord and Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to “meet theRepresentatives of Trades and Commerce.” My heart beat like that of aschoolboy’s. Carrie and I read the invitation over two or three times.I could scarcely eat my breakfast. I said—and I felt it from the bottomof my heart,—“Carrie darling, I was a proud man when I led you down theaisle of the church on our wedding-day; that pride will be equalled, ifnot surpassed, when I lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and LadyMayoress at the Mansion House.” I saw the tears in Carrie’s eyes, andshe said: “Charlie dear, it is _I_ who have to be proud of you. And I amvery, very proud of you. You have called me pretty; and as long as I ampretty in your eyes, I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, are nothandsome, but you are _good_, which is far more noble.” I gave her akiss, and she said: “I wonder if there will be any dancing? I have notdanced with you for years.”

  I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her round the waist,and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kind of polka when Sarahentered, grinning, and said: “There is a man, mum, at the door who wantsto know if you want any good coals.” Most annoyed at this. Spent theevening in answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the MansionHouse, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings called we werenot at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answer the Lord Mayor’sinvitation.

  MAY 1.—Carrie said: “I should like to send mother the invitation to lookat.” I consented, as soon as I had answered it. I told Mr. Perkupp, atthe office, with a feeling of pride, that we had received an invitationto the Mansion House; and he said, to my astonishment, that he himselfgave in my name to the Lord Mayor’s secretary. I felt this ratherdiscounted the value of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in replyto me, he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply was toosimple; but of course Mr. Perkupp knows best.

  MAY 2.—Sent my dress-coat and trousers to the little tailor’s round thecorner, to have the creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call nextMonday, as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note toCummings.

  MAY 3.—Carrie went to Mrs. James, at Sutton, to consult about her dressfor next Monday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of our headclerks, about the Mansion House, he said: “Oh, I’m asked, but don’t thinkI shall go.” When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel myinvitation is considerably discounted. In the evening, while I was out,the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and because Sarahhad not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took them away again.

  MAY 4.—Carrie’s mother returned the Lord Mayor’s invitation, which wassent to her to look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of portover it. I was too angry to say anything.

  MAY 5.—Bought a pair of lavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and twowhite ties, in case one got spoiled in the tying.

  MAY 6, Sunday.—A very dull sermon, during which, I regret to say, I twicethought of the Mansion House reception to-morrow.

  MAY 7.—A big red-letter day; viz., the Lord Mayor’s reception. The wholehouse upset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carrie wanted theroom to herself. Mrs. James had come up from Sutton to help Carrie; so Icould not help thinking it unreasonable that she should require theentire attention of Sarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running outof the house to fetch “something for missis,” and several times I had, inmy full evening-dress, to answer the back-door.

  The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, not seeing it was me,for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed into my hands two cabbages andhalf-a-dozen coal-blocks. I indignantly threw them on the ground, andfelt so annoyed that I so far forgot myself as to box the boy’s ears. Hewent away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I would not havehappen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on a piece of the cabbage,which brought me down on the flags all of a heap. For a moment I wasstunned, but when I recovered I crawled upstairs into the drawing-roomand on looking into the chimney-glass discovered that my chin wasbleeding, my shirt smeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser tornat the knee.

  However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which I changed in thedrawing-room. I put a piece of court-plaster on my chin, and Sarah veryneatly sewed up the tear at the knee. At nine o’clock Carrie swept intothe room, looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely, orso distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress of sky-blue—my favouritecolour—and a piece of lace, which Mrs. James lent her, round theshoulders, to give a finish. I thought perhaps the dress was a littletoo long behind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said itwas _à la mode_. Mrs. James was most kind, and lent Carrie a fan ofivory with red feathers, the value of which, she said, was priceless, asthe feathers belonged to the Kachu eagle—a bird now extinct. I preferredthe little white fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six atShoolbred’s, but both ladies sat on me at once.

  We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was rather fortunate,for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship, who graciouslycondescended to talk with me some minutes; but I must say I wasdisappointed to find he did not even know Mr. Perkupp, our principal.

  I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by one who did notknow the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived, and I shall never forgetthe grand sight. My humble pen can never describe it. I was a littleannoyed with Carrie, who kept saying: “Isn’t it a pity we don’t knowanybody?”

  Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who looked like Franching,from Peckham, and was moving towards him when she seized me by thecoat-tails, and said quite loudly: “Don’t leave me,” which caused anelderly gentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and twoladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowd in thesupper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendid supper—any amount ofchampagne.

  Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; for Isometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely a dish she did nottaste. I was so thirsty, I could not eat much. Receiving a sharp slapon the shoulder, I turned, and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, ourironmonger. He said, in the most familiar way: “This is better thanBrickfield Terrace, eh?” I simply looked at him, and said coolly: “Inever expected to see you here.” He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: “Ilike that—if _you_, why not _me_?” I replied: “Certainly,” I wish Icould have thought of something better to say. He said: “Can I get yourgood lady anything?” Carrie said: “No, I thank you,” for which I waspleased. I said, by way of reproof to him: “You never sent to-day topaint the bath, as I requested.” Farmerson said: “Pardon me, Mr. Pooter,no shop when we’re in company, please.”

  Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in full Courtcostume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as an old friend,and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. I was astonished. For fullfive minutes they stood roaring with laughter, and stood digging eachother in the ribs. They kept telling each other they didn’t look a dayolder. They began embracing each other and drinking champagne.

  To think that a man who mends our scraper should know any member of ouraristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie, when Farmerson seized merather roughly by the collar, and addressing the sheriff, said: “Let meintroduce my neighbour, Pooter.” He did not even say “Mister.” Thesheriff handed me a glass of champagne. I felt, after all, it was agreat honour to drink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. Westood chatting for some time, and at last I said: “You must excuse me nowif I join Mrs. Pooter.” When I approached her, she said: “Don’t let metake you away from friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in acrowd, knowing nobody!”

  As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither the time nor theplace for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said: “I hope my darlinglittle wife will dance with me, if only for the sake of saying we haddan
ced at the Mansion House as guests of the Lord Mayor.” Finding thedancing after supper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used toadmire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round her waist andwe commenced a waltz.

  A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a new pair of boots.Foolishly, I had omitted to take Carrie’s advice; namely, to scratch thesoles of them with the points of the scissors or to put a little wet onthem. I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slippedaway and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor with suchviolence that for a second or two I did not know what had happened. Ineedly hardly say that Carrie fell with me with equal violence, breakingthe comb in her hair and grazing her elbow.

  There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checked when peoplefound that we had really hurt ourselves. A gentleman assisted Carrie toa seat, and I expressed myself pretty strongly on the danger of having aplain polished floor with no carpet or drugget to prevent peopleslipping. The gentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted onescorting Carrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I waspleased to allow Carrie to accept.

  I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in his loud voice“Oh, are you the one who went down?”

  I answered with an indignant look.

  With execrable taste, he said: “Look here, old man, we are too old forthis game. We must leave these capers to the youngsters. Come and haveanother glass, that is more in our line.”

  Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, we followed theothers into the supper-room.

  Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, felt inclined to staylonger. As we were departing, Farmerson said: “Are you going? if so, youmight give me a lift.”

  I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consulted Carrie.