The Diary of a Nobody Page 5

  CHAPTER V

  After the Mansion House Ball. Carrie offended. Gowing also offended. Apleasant party at the Cummings’. Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visits us.

  MAY 8.—I woke up with a most terrible headache. I could scarcely see,and the back of my neck was as if I had given it a crick. I thoughtfirst of sending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary. Whenup, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist, who gave me adraught. So bad at the office, had to get leave to come home. Went toanother chemist in the City, and I got a draught. Brownish’s dose seemsto have made me worse; have eaten nothing all day. To make mattersworse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered me sharply—that is,when she answered at all.

  In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her: “I dobelieve I’ve been poisoned by the lobster mayonnaise at the Mansion Houselast night;” she simply replied, without taking her eyes from her sewing:“Champagne never did agree with you.” I felt irritated, and said: “Whatnonsense you talk; I only had a glass and a half, and you know as well asI do—” Before I could complete the sentence she bounced out of the room.I sat over an hour waiting for her to return; but as she did not, Idetermined I would go to bed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bedwithout even saying “good-night”; leaving me to bar the scullery door andfeed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her about this in the morning.

  MAY 9.—Still a little shaky, with black specks. The _BlackfriarsBi-weekly News_ contains a long list of the guests at the Mansion HouseBall. Disappointed to find our names omitted, though Farmerson’s is inplainly enough with M.L.L. after it, whatever that may mean. More thanvexed, because we had ordered a dozen copies to send to our friends.Wrote to the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_, pointing out their omission.

  Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered the parlour. I helpedmyself to a cup of tea, and I said, perfectly calmly and quietly:“Carrie, I wish a little explanation of your conduct last night.”

  She replied, “Indeed! and I desire something more than a littleexplanation of your conduct the night before.”

  I said, coolly: “Really, I don’t understand you.”

  Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were scarcely in a conditionto understand anything.”

  I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated: “Caroline!”

  She said: “Don’t be theatrical, it has no effect on me. Reserve thattone for your new friend, Mister Farmerson, the ironmonger.”

  I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I have never seenher in before, told me to hold my tongue. She said: “Now _I’m_ going tosay something! After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit him tosnub _you_, in my presence, and then accept his invitation to take aglass of champagne with you, and you don’t limit yourself to one glass.You then offer this vulgar man, who made a bungle of repairing ourscraper, a seat in our cab on the way home. I say nothing about histearing my dress in getting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’sexpensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which he nevereven apologised; but you smoked all the way home without having thedecency to ask my permission. That is not all! At the end of thejourney, although he did not offer you a farthing towards his share ofthe cab, you asked him in. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect,from my manner, that his company was not desirable.”

  Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to make mattersworse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, with two hats on hishead and holding the garden-rake in his hand, with Carrie’s fur tippet(which he had taken off the downstairs hall-peg) round his neck, andannounced himself in a loud, coarse voice: “His Royal Highness, the LordMayor!” He marched twice round the room like a buffoon, and finding wetook no notice, said: “Hulloh! what’s up? Lovers’ quarrel, eh?”

  There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: “My dear Gowing, I’mnot very well, and not quite in the humour for joking; especially whenyou enter the room without knocking, an act which I fail to see the funof.”

  Gowing said: “I’m very sorry, but I called for my stick, which I thoughtyou would have sent round.” I handed him his stick, which I remembered Ihad painted black with the enamel paint, thinking to improve it. Helooked at it for a minute with a dazed expression and said: “Who didthis?”

  I said: “Eh, did what?”

  He said: “Did what? Why, destroyed my stick! It belonged to my pooruncle, and I value it more than anything I have in the world! I’ll knowwho did it.”

  I said: “I’m very sorry. I dare say it will come off. I did it for thebest.”

  Gowing said: “Then all I can say is, it’s a confounded liberty; and I_would_ add, you’re a bigger fool than you look, only _that’s_ absolutelyimpossible.”

  MAY 12.—Got a single copy of the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_. There wasa short list of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people hadmentioned our names as “Mr. and Mrs. C. Porter.” Most annoying! Wroteagain and I took particular care to write our name in capital letters,_POOTER_, so that there should be no possible mistake this time.

  MAY 16.—Absolutely disgusted on opening the _Blackfriars Bi-weekly News_of to-day, to find the following paragraph: “We have received two lettersfrom Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce the importantfact that they were at the Mansion House Ball.” I tore up the paper andthrew it in the waste-paper basket. My time is far too valuable tobother about such trifles.

  MAY 21.—The last week or ten days terribly dull, Carrie being away atMrs. James’s, at Sutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, isstill offended with me for black enamelling his stick without asking him.

  MAY 22.—Purchased a new stick mounted with silver, which costseven-and-sixpence (shall tell Carrie five shillings), and sent it roundwith nice note to Gowing.

  MAY 23.—Received strange note from Gowing; he said: “Offended? not a bit,my boy—I thought you were offended with me for losing my temper.Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle’s stick youpainted. It was only a shilling thing I bought at a tobacconist’s.However, I am much obliged to you for your handsome present all same.”

  MAY 24.—Carrie back. Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except thatthe sun has caught her nose.

  MAY 25.—Carrie brought down some of my shirts and advised me to take themto Trillip’s round the corner. She said: “The fronts and cuffs are muchfrayed.” I said without a moment’s hesitation: “I’m _’frayed_ they are.”Lor! how we roared. I thought we should never stop laughing. As Ihappened to be sitting next the driver going to town on the ’bus, I toldhim my joke about the “frayed” shirts. I thought he would have rolledoff his seat. They laughed at the office a good bit too over it.

  MAY 26.—Left the shirts to be repaired at Trillip’s. I said to him: “I’m_’fraid_ they are _frayed_.” He said, without a smile: “They’re bound todo that, sir.” Some people seem to be quite destitute of a sense ofhumour.

  JUNE 1.—The last week has been like old times, Carrie being back, andGowing and Cummings calling every evening nearly. Twice we sat out inthe garden quite late. This evening we were like a pack of children, andplayed “consequences.” It is a good game.

  JUNE 2.—“Consequences” again this evening. Not quite so successful aslast night; Gowing having several times overstepped the limits of goodtaste.

  JUNE 4.—In the evening Carrie and I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings’to spend a quiet evening with them. Gowing was there, also Mr.Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummings sang five or sixsongs, “No, Sir,” and “The Garden of Sleep,” being best in my humblejudgment; but what pleased me most was the duet she sang withCarrie—classical duet, too. I think it is called, “I would that mylove!” It was beautiful. If Carrie had been in better voice, I don’tthink professionals could have sung it better. After supper we made themsing it again. I never liked Mr. Stillbrook since the walk that Sundayto the “Cow and Hedge,”
but I must say he sings comic-songs well. Hissong: “We don’t Want the old men now,” made us shriek with laughter,especially the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; but there was one verseI think he might have omitted, and I said so, but Gowing thought it wasthe best of the lot.

  JUNE 6.—Trillip brought round the shirts and, to my disgust, his chargefor repairing was more than I gave for them when new. I told him so, andhe impertinently replied: “Well, they are better now than when they werenew.” I paid him, and said it was a robbery. He said: “If you wantedyour shirt-fronts made out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packingand bookbinding, why didn’t you say so?”

  JUNE 7.—A dreadful annoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham,and who is a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to come hometo meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think he would accept such ahumble invitation; but he did, saying, in a most friendly way, he wouldrather “peck” with us than by himself. I said: “We had better get intothis blue ’bus.” He replied: “No blue-bussing for me. I have had enoughof the blues lately. I lost a cool ‘thou’ over the Copper Scare. Stepin here.”

  We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knocked three times atthe front door without getting an answer. I saw Carrie, through thepanels of ground-glass (with stars), rushing upstairs. I told Mr.Franching to wait at the door while I went round to the side. There Isaw the grocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on the door, whichhad formed into blisters. No time to reprove him; so went round andeffected an entrance through the kitchen window. I let in Mr. Franching,and showed him into the drawing-room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who waschanging her dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to comehome. She replied: “How can you do such a thing? You know it’s Sarah’sholiday, and there’s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton havingturned with the hot weather.”

  Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slipped down, washedup the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gave Franching our views ofJapan to look at while I ran round to the butcher’s to get three chops.

  JULY 30.—The miserable cold weather is either upsetting me or Carrie, orboth. We seem to break out into an argument about absolutely nothing,and this unpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times.

  This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talking aboutballoons, and we were as merry as possible; but the conversation driftedinto family matters, during which Carrie, without the slightest reason,referred in the most uncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s pecuniarytrouble. I retorted by saying that “Pa, at all events, was a gentleman,”whereupon Carrie burst out crying. I positively could not eat anybreakfast.

  At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he was very sorry,but I should have to take my annual holidays from next Saturday.Franching called at office and asked me to dine at his club, “TheConstitutional.” Fearing disagreeables at home after the “tiff” thismorning, I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dineand she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver bangle for Carrie.

  JULY 31.—Carrie was very pleased with the bangle, which I left with anaffectionate note on her dressing-table last night before going to bed.I told Carrie we should have to start for our holiday next Saturday. Shereplied quite happily that she did not mind, except that the weather wasso bad, and she feared that Miss Jibbons would not be able to get her aseaside dress in time. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one withpink bows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should not thinkof wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter, when, remembering theargument yesterday, resolved to hold my tongue.

  I said to Carrie: “I don’t think we can do better than ‘Good oldBroadstairs.’” Carrie not only, to my astonishment, raised an objectionto Broadstairs, for the first time; but begged me not to use theexpression, “Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook and other_gentlemen_ of his type. Hearing my ’bus pass the window, I was obligedto rush out of the house without kissing Carrie as usual; and I shoutedto her: “I leave it to you to decide.” On returning in the evening,Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decided onBroadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour View Terrace, forapartments.

  AUGUST 1.—Ordered a new pair of trousers at Edwards’s, and told them notto cut them so loose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and alsotight at the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pitt, thatobjectionable youth at the office, call out “Hornpipe” as I passed hisdesk. Carrie has ordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-sergeskirt, which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In theevening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I read to her the_Exchange and Mart_. We had a good laugh over my trying on the hat whenshe had finished it; Carrie saying it looked so funny with my beard, andhow the people would have roared if I went on the stage like it.

  AUGUST 2.—Mrs. Beck wrote to say we could have our usual rooms atBroadstairs. That’s off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and a pair oftan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerks wearing in theCity, and hear are all the “go.”

  AUGUST 3.—A beautiful day. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carrie boughta parasol about five feet long. I told her it was ridiculous. She said:“Mrs. James, of Sutton, has one twice as long so;” the matter dropped. Ibought a capital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don’t know whatit is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn in India, only madeof straw. Got three new ties, two coloured handkerchiefs, and a pair ofnavy-blue socks at Pope Brothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrietold me not to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, which healways lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it. Sent Sarah outfor it. While everything was seeming so bright, the last post brought usa letter from Mrs. Beck, saying: “I have just let all my house to oneparty, and am sorry I must take back my words, and am sorry you must findother apartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased toaccommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as her rooms areengaged Bank Holiday week.”