The Diary of a Nobody Read online

  CHAPTER VII

  Home again. Mrs. James’ influence on Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin.Next-door neighbours are a little troublesome. Some one tampers with mydiary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles us with an announcement.

  AUGUST 22.—Home sweet Home again! Carrie bought some pretty blue-woolmats to stand vases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they aresorry they have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.

  AUGUST 23.—I bought a pair of stags’ heads made of plaster-of-Paris andcoloured brown. They will look just the thing for our little hall, andgive it style; the heads are excellent imitations. Poolers and Smith aresorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.

  AUGUST 24.—Simply to please Lupin, and make things cheerful for him, ashe is a little down, Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Sutton andspend two or three days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin, butmean to keep it as a surprise.

  AUGUST 25.—Mrs. James, of Sutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing withher an enormous bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of Mrs. James thenicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. She went intoCarrie’s room to take off her bonnet, and remained there nearly an hourtalking about dress. Lupin said he was not a bit surprised at Mrs.James’ _visit_, but was surprised at _her_.

  AUGUST 26, Sunday.—Nearly late for church, Mrs. James having talkedconsiderably about what to wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem toget on very well with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have some troublewith our next-door neighbours who came in last Wednesday. Several oftheir friends, who drive up in dog-carts, have already made themselvesobjectionable.

  An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat for coolness, andwhile walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoat pockets (a habit Ihave), one man, seated in the cart, and looking like an American,commenced singing some vulgar nonsense about “_I had thirteen dollars inmy waistcoat pocket_.” I fancied it was meant for me, and my suspicionswere confirmed; for while walking round the garden in my tall hat thisafternoon, a “throw-down” cracker was deliberately aimed at my hat, andexploded on it like a percussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positiveI saw the man who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroomwindows.

  AUGUST 27.—Carrie and Mrs. James went off shopping, and had not returnedwhen I came back from the office. Judging from the subsequentconversation, I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s head with a lotof nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing’s and asked him to dropin to supper, and make things pleasant.

  Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting of the remainderof the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which I was to refuse, incase there was not enough to go round), and a blanc-mange and custards.There was also a decanter of port and some jam puffs on the sideboard.Mrs. James made us play rather a good game of cards, called “Muggings.”To my surprise, in fact disgust, Lupin got up in the middle, and, in amost sarcastic tone, said: “Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast forme, I shall go and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in the back-garden.”

  Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing (who seems tohave taken to Lupin) suggesting they should invent games. Lupin said:“Let’s play ‘monkeys.’” He then led Gowing all round the room, andbrought him in front of the looking-glass. I must confess I laughedheartily at this. I was a little vexed at everybody subsequentlylaughing at some joke which they did not explain, and it was only ongoing to bed I discovered I must have been walking about all the eveningwith an antimacassar on one button of my coat-tails.

  AUGUST 28.—Found a large brick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidentlycome from next door. Pattles and Pattles can’t find a place for Lupin.

  AUGUST 29.—Mrs. James is making a positive fool of Carrie. Carrieappeared in a new dress like a smock-frock. She said “smocking” was allthe rage. I replied it put me in a rage. She also had on a hat as bigas a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the same shape. Mrs. James went home, andboth Lupin and I were somewhat pleased—the first time we have agreed on asingle subject since his return. Merkins and Son write they have novacancy for Lupin.

  OCTOBER 30.—I should very much like to know who has wilfully torn thelast five or six weeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous! Mineis a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for the record of myeveryday events, and in keeping up that record I take (with much pride) agreat deal of pains.

  I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. She replied it was my ownfault for leaving the diary about with a charwoman cleaning and thesweeps in the house. I said that was not an answer to my question. Thisretort of mine, which I thought extremely smart, would have been moreeffective had I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarilyplaced in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it.

  Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was one of a pair ofvases which cannot be matched, given to us on our wedding-day by Mrs.Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie’s cousins, the Pommertons, late ofDalston. I called to Sarah, and asked her about the diary. She said shehad not been in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs.Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fireherself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, I examined it, andfound it was a piece of my diary. So it was evident some one had torn mydiary to light the fire. I requested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to meto-morrow.

  OCTOBER 31.—Received a letter from our principal, Mr. Perkupp, sayingthat he thinks he knows of a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This,in a measure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for I ambound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to the record ofdisappointing answers received from people to whom I have applied forappointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrell called, and, in reply to me, said:“She never _see_ no book, much less take such a liberty as _touch_ it.”

  I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon she said shewould do her best to help me; but she remembered the sweep lighting thefire with a bit of the _Echo_. I requested the sweep to be sent to meto-morrow. I wish Carrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seemto see anything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and then retiredtired.

  NOVEMBER 1.—My entry yesterday about “retired tired,” which I did notnotice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not so worried just now,I might have had a little joke about it. The sweep called, but had theaudacity to come up to the hall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot onthe door-step. He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. Hesaid Sarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this, for shewas dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and flew into a temper withthe sweep, causing a row on the front door-steps, which I would not havehad happen for anything. I ordered her about her business, and told thesweep I was sorry to have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-stepswere covered with soot in consequence of his visit. I would willinglygive ten shillings to find out who tore my diary.

  NOVEMBER 2.—I spent the evening quietly with Carrie, of whose company Inever tire. We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on “IsMarriage a Failure?” It has been no failure in our case. In talkingover our own happy experiences, we never noticed that it was pastmidnight. We were startled by hearing the door slam violently. Lupinhad come in. He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, oreven to look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed,making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for a moment, and hebegged to be excused, as he was “dead beat,” an observation that wasscarcely consistent with the fact that, for a quarter of an hourafterwards, he was positively dancing in his room, and shouting out, “Seeme dance the polka!” or some such nonsense.

  NOVEMBER 3.—Good news at last. Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment forLupin, and he is to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind isrelieved! I went to Lupin’s room to take the good news to him, but hewas in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keep it over till the evening.

  He said he h
ad last night been elected a member of an Amateur DramaticClub, called the “Holloway Comedians”; and, though it was a pleasantevening, he had sat in a draught, and got neuralgia in the head. Hedeclined to have any breakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had upa special bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, we filled ourglasses, and I said: “Lupin my boy, I have some good and unexpected newsfor you. Mr. Perkupp has procured you an appointment!” Lupin said:“Good biz!” and we drained our glasses.

  Lupin then said: “Fill up the glasses again, for I have some good andunexpected news for you.”

  I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, for she said:“I hope we shall think it good news.”

  Lupin said: “Oh, it’s all right! _I’m engaged to be married_!”