The Diary of a Nobody Page 8

  CHAPTER VIII

  Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation. Lupin’s new berth. Fireworksat the Cummings’. The “Holloway Comedians.” Sarah quarrels with thecharwoman. Lupin’s uncalled-for interference. Am introduced to DaisyMutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour.

  NOVEMBER 5, Sunday.—Carrie and I troubled about that mere boy Lupingetting engaged to be married without consulting us or anything. Afterdinner he told us all about it. He said the lady’s name was DaisyMutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and most accomplished girl heever met. He loved her the moment he saw her, and if he had to waitfifty years he would wait, and he knew she would wait for him.

  Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was a differentworld to him now,—it was a world worth living in. He lived with anobject now, and that was to make Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Pooter, and he wouldguarantee she would not disgrace the family of the Pooters. Carrie hereburst out crying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so,upset the glass of port he held in his hand all over his new lighttrousers.

  I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we saw her, butCarrie said she loved her already. I thought this rather premature, butheld my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was the sole topic of conversation for theremainder of the day. I asked Lupin who her people were, and he replied:“Oh, you know Mutlar, Williams and Watts.” I did not know, but refrainedfrom asking any further questions at present, for fear of irritatingLupin.

  NOVEMBER 6.—Lupin went with me to the office, and had a long conversationwith Mr. Perkupp, our principal, the result of which was that he accepteda clerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and ShareBrokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertising firm, and hedid not think much of it. I replied: “Beggars should not be choosers;”and I will do Lupin the justice to say, he looked rather ashamed ofhimself.

  In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to have a few fireworks.It began to rain, and I thought it rather dull. One of my squibs wouldnot go off, and Gowing said: “Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go offthen.” I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot, and it went offwith one loud explosion, and burnt my fingers rather badly. I gave therest of the squibs to the little Cummings’ boy to let off.

  Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap of abuse on myhead. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-piece on a stake in the groundby way of a grand finale. He made a great fuss about it; said it costseven shillings. There was a little difficulty in getting it alight. Atlast it went off; but after a couple of slow revolutions it stopped. Ihad my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to send it round, and,unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to the grass. Anybody would havethought I had set the house on fire from the way in which they stormed atme. I will never join in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculouswaste of time and money.

  NOVEMBER 7.—Lupin asked Carrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie saidshe thought Mrs. Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed withCarrie, and this led to an argument. However, the matter was settled byCarrie saying she could not find any visiting cards, and we must get somemore printed, and when they were finished would be quite time enough todiscuss the etiquette of calling.

  NOVEMBER 8.—I ordered some of our cards at Black’s, the stationers. Iordered twenty-five of each, which will last us for a good long time. Inthe evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, Miss Mutlar’s brother. Hewas rather a gawky youth, and Lupin said he was the most popular and bestamateur in the club, referring to the “Holloway Comedians.” Lupinwhispered to us that if we could only “draw out” Harry a bit, he wouldmake us roar with laughter.

  At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. He took up a knife,and with the flat part of it played a tune on his cheek in a wonderfulmanner. He also gave an imitation of an old man with no teeth, smoking abig cigar. The way he kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits.

  In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped up, and young Mutlarsaid he would bring his sister round to us one evening—his parents beingrather old-fashioned, and not going out much. Carrie said we would getup a little special party. As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go,and it was approaching eleven o’clock, as a hint I reminded Lupin that hehad to be up early to-morrow. Instead of taking the hint, Mutlar began aseries of comic imitations. He went on for an hour without cessation.Poor Carrie could scarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made anexcuse, and said “Good-night.”

  Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in the hallsomething about the “Holloway Comedians,” and to my disgust, although itwas past midnight, Lupin put on his hat and coat, and went out with hisnew companion.

  NOVEMBER 9.—My endeavours to discover who tore the sheets out of my diarystill fruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we see littleof him, except that he invariably turns up at meal times. Cummingsdropped in.

  NOVEMBER 10.—Lupin seems to like his new berth—that’s a comfort. DaisyMutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carrie almost as fullof it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to my disgust, that he has beenpersuaded to take part in the forthcoming performance of the “HollowayComedians.” He says he is to play Bob Britches in the farce, _Gone to myUncle’s_; Frank Mutlar is going to play old Musty. I told Lupin prettyplainly I was not in the least degree interested in the matter, andtotally disapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in the evening.

  NOVEMBER 11.—Returned home to find the house in a most disgracefuluproar, Carrie, who appeared very frightened, was standing outside herbedroom, while Sarah was excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (thecharwoman), who had evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top ofher voice that she was “no thief, that she was a respectable woman, whohad to work hard for her living, and she would smack anyone’s face whoput lies into her mouth.” Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hearme come in. He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say,in his endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather stronglanguage in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time to hearhim say: “And all this fuss about the loss of a few pages from a rottendiary that wouldn’t fetch three-halfpence a pound!” I said, quietly:“Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I am master ofthis house, perhaps you will allow me to take the reins.”

  I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah had accused Mrs.Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrap up some kitchen fatand leavings which she had taken out of the house last week. Mrs.Birrell had slapped Sarah’s face, and said she had taken nothing out ofthe place, as there was “never no leavings to take.” I ordered Sarahback to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to go home. When I enteredthe parlour Lupin was kicking his legs in the air, and roaring withlaughter.

  NOVEMBER 12, Sunday.—Coming home from church Carrie and I met Lupin,Daisy Mutlar, and her brother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walkedhome together, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked them in fora few minutes, and I had a good look at my future daughter-in-law. Myheart quite sank. She is a big young woman, and I should think at leasteight years older than Lupin. I did not even think her good-looking.Carrie asked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brotherto meet a few friends. She replied that she would only be too pleased.

  NOVEMBER 13.—Carrie sent out invitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr.and Mrs. James (of Sutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr.Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it a nice affair,and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? I said I feared we were notquite grand enough for him. Carrie said there was “no offence in askinghim.” I said: “Certainly not,” and I wrote him a letter. Carrieconfessed she was a little disappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance,but thought she seemed a nice girl.

  NOVEMBER 14.—Everybody so far has accepted for our quite grand littleparty for to-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shall keep,wrote that he was dining in
Kensington, but if he could get away, hewould come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie was busy all day, makinglittle cakes and open jam puffs and jellies. She said she felt quitenervous about her responsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to havesome light things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken and ham,and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of cold beef and aPaysandu tongue—for the more hungry ones to peg into if they liked.

  Gowing called to know if he was to put on “swallow-tails” to-morrow.Carrie said he had better dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming,and there was a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in an appearance.

  Gowing said: “Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have not worn mydress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have the creases pressedout.”

  After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to please DaisyMutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, in fact,disapproved of everything, including our having asked our old friendCummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dress like a green-grocerengaged to wait, and who must not be surprised if Daisy took him for one.

  I fairly lost my temper, and said: “Lupin, allow me to tell you MissDaisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. I gave you credit for morewisdom than to allow yourself to be inveigled into an engagement with awoman considerably older than yourself. I advise you to think of earningyour living before entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have tosupport, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appeared to benothing but a loafer.”

  Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupin jumped upand said: “If you insult the lady I am engaged to, you insult me. I willleave the house and never darken your doors again.”

  He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But it was all right.He came back to supper, and we played Bézique till nearly twelve o’clock.